Province set to unleash new, untapped source of “green energy”

The Province of Ontario announced today a “green energy” initiative to rival all others, including wind and solar.

“Hamsters are nocturnal and they like to run,” said Energy Minister Brad Duguid, “If we rig up enough hamster wheels to really tiny generators, pet hamsters in Ontario should be able to power a few thousand homes at any time of the night.”

“Homeowners will be paid up to $8,000 annually to lease the power in their hamster cages. Thousands of new “rodent energy” jobs will spring up, virtually overnight,” said Duguid.

Homer Sampson said work starts tomorrow on his new hamster ranch. He believes it will take at least 120 employees to feed and train enough hamsters to meet demand.

One can see the relief on the faces of Premier Dalton McGuinty and his sidekick, Brad Duguid. They have been facing a growing backlash against industrial wind turbines which are despoiling some of the most scenic areas of Ontario, and solar panels blanketing otherwise productive farmer’s fields.

“These nano-installations won’t bother anyone,” said Duguid, “and it’s good to have multiple sources of power.” When asked to justify this new program in light of the fact that hamster-power will add little to the grid, will still require backup generation from gas plants, and participating households will be guaranteed roughly 1,000 times the market rate for power, Duguid reminded us, “Families in Ontario need multiple sources of power, and families in Ontario like hamsters.”

Brad Duguid learns how to clean the cages

“This multi-billion dollar project won’t cost the province a cent,” McGuinty reassured consumers, who are already stinging from the Health Care Levy, the $1 billion dollars that were sucked into the black vortex called eHealth, the 15% HST, and skyrocketing power bills, “I can’t believe no one thought of this before,” said McGuinty, “We simply dreamt up a multi-billion dollar program, slapped on a “green” label, promised “Jobs, jobs, and more jobs,” and added the cost to everyone’s power bill.”

“I can’t figure out my own power bill, and I’m a heck of a lot smarter than everybody else. Most people won’t even notice it. It’s like taking candy from a baby. And if people complain, I call them a NIMBY – NIMBY, NIMBY, NIBMY,” he said in a sing-song voice that would put Stephen Harper to shame.

Unfortunately, the new “Feed a Rodent Tariff” could pit neighbour against neighbour. It’s been so popular, only one house on every street will qualify for the FaRT incentive. It may be good business for qualifying households, but it’s anticipated the program will add hundreds of dollars to everyone’s power bill – annually.

Given the perverse economics of making consumers pay from $2 to $8 or more for $1 worth of power, Duguid was asked if it might be cheaper to pay wind, solar, and hamster energy developers to do something more useful, like planting trees instead of generating power, or digging a few holes and then filling them back in again instead of erecting wind turbines which destroy the landscape and endanger human health. All he would say was, “Families in Ontario need multiple sources of power, and families in Ontario like hamsters.”

When asked if he’d like a rather odoriferous hamster ranch in his own riding of Scarborough East, Duguid resolutely stayed on message and replied, “Ontario families need multiple sources of power and families in Ontario like hamsters.” Maybe he thinks all of that money the liberals are spending on communications consultants is starting to pay off.

19 thoughts on “Province set to unleash new, untapped source of “green energy”

  1. With the proliferation of hamsters
    and their subsequent burping and
    farting, would this not contribute
    to the greenhouse gas effect. Seems
    the Liberals can’t do anything right.

  2. Luckily for Ontario families, we have multiple sources of politicians.

  3. I loved it!! I’m having trouble with mice in my house; maybe I could catch them, export them up your way and they could be trained like the hamsters… just a thought.

  4. Would they be the liberal hamsters or some other variety?

    You not be stirring up trouble now, cause in some lifestyle opportunities in this province, gerbils and hamsters have alternate uses. Just sayin’:)

  5. Better yet let’s use RATS!……..they are twice as big as hamsters, they eat anything and aren’t “picky” like hamsters……………..they run faster than Hamsters and can be trained to do double duty; running on a generating wheel and can also be “guard rats” to protect your homes.

    The best part is that Queen’s Park is a haven for Rats and the best type of Rat could be recruited from there to start this program.

  6. How about all those people running on treadmills at the gym on their lunch hour can they not be hooked up to the grid also? Geez .. imagine getting paid to lose weight!
    win win for all concerned. But first let’s not exploit hamsters… surely we can pay them union rates! Double time on family day.. think of all the sex they will have to give up because they are too tired.

  7. You guys can laugh all you want. Anti-science deniers! The lot of you!

    Since this story broke early this morning, we have been working on a new version of this cage where TWO hamsters run in opposite directions inside the same wire cage. We feel that with a little more work that we can double the output. Unfortunately we have stalled and hit a roadblock. The cage refuses to turn. Although we project faith and confidence at the cage the hamsters seem to be confused and just can’t get that darn thing going!

    We are, however, in close communication with the very capable scientists at the Ministry of Energy. They feel that with a few more hours of modeling time on their super-computers that a resolution will be achieved. The hamsters running in opposite directions appears to cancel all radiation any power at any and all frequencies so this is a very desirable modification as you are no doubt aware. We would class this as a major breakthrough by Green Energy Standards. The null case as it were — at least in terms of output.

    We do not wish to initiate a disaster like that of the wind turbines with low frequency sound and noisy power. We feel that we have nipped this problem in the bud!

    Patience, patience patience — we are working as fast as we can.

    We feel that we have a solution that is lean, mean green and low emission to the point of non-existence.

    Your misplaced hilarity is not encouraging all of the scientists and engineers who are pouring their heart and soul into this project.

    Unfortunately we have not been able to answer their latest question! In the event that one of you has technical expertise we pass along their query?

    The Question is: When the hamsters are running, does the cage swish or beat?

    We have no idea what to say as the cage doesn’t run at all! What do you think should we say to them?

  8. I’m going to submit a proposal for off-shore hamster power. Think of all the energy that could be harvested if we construct little hamster pools in the lake and capture the energy as they swim. Of course, we would be provide deck chairs and refreshments for the hamsters when they get tired of swimming. I wonder what the ratt-ed capacity would be?

  9. David and all………….the wee little “hamster brains” are far superior to the “pea sized brains” of the scientists that are working hard on this “opposing” treadmill concept……I know how this will turn out……the Hamsters Union will negotiate with the “pea brains” at Queen’s Park and will settle on a contract that only allows “running on the spot” for 1 hour out of 8 hours on the clock….thereby producing nameplate capacity to be double what Wind Turbines produce and everyone will make announcements in the press that the Hamsters will out perform Wind by double and will be the NEW ENERGY PLAN for McGuinty and Gang!……… the Polls Ontario………….Our Great Leader has saved the Earth from bursting into flames again!

  10. Flash News Release

    The WWF (world wildlife frauds) and PETA (please eat tasty animals) have launched a multi million dollar lawsuit against the Mcguinty Government for animal abuse. A spokesperson for the combined lawsuit broke down in tears as he was being interviewed by this reporter, quote; my god, don’t they realize hamsters have rights too.

    A spokeperson for the ministry of energy replied that this is the perfect way to make sure we can control the Hamster population, we can no longer rely on Birds of prey to do it as our beautiful Wind Turbines have reduced the raptor population to negligable numbers.

  11. Hey Tracy…

    Hey Ho , Hey Ho…it’s back to (real) Green we Go

    So shut them off and pack them up, hey Ho, Hey Ho

    I know the place to put them though, Hey Ho, Hey Ho

    Just pile them up on Queen’s Park’s yard in Good old Tor on to.

    ( I know, keep my day job!)

  12. Loved the FaRT acronym. Close to reality though. Jon Boone wrote an article I believe in 2004 and in it stated something like “The wind doesn’t blow with sufficient regularity and intensity to capture enough energy to make much of a difference relative to the size and rate of our demand for electricity. Imagine a thousand hamsters working out on their circular treadmills. They will also produce electricity—but what’s the point!” The point was there are a lot of sources of power out there of which wind is just another weak one. Humour is needed. Thanks.

  13. “Last Wednesday, wind turbines spinning throughout the province produced 1,296 megawatts of electricity each hour of the day, enough to power 300,000 homes, the Canadian Wind Energy Association (CanWea) announced on Tuesday.”

    So how much of that power did we export at a loss?

  14. Since this is the funny page I have to share a joke a farmer told me tonight.

    It seems McGuinty and his wife were invited to a Halloween party. As the time grew nearer, McGuinty started to panic and said to his wife. “What the hell am I going to dress up as. Just like that she says” Why don’t you just put a potato on the end of your hoo hoo and go as a dictator.””

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