“Hamsters are nocturnal and they like to run,” said Energy Minister Brad Duguid, “If we rig up enough hamster wheels to really tiny generators, pet hamsters in Ontario should be able to power a few thousand homes at any time of the night.”
“Homeowners will be paid up to $8,000 annually to lease the power in their hamster cages. Thousands of new “rodent energy” jobs will spring up, virtually overnight,” said Duguid.
Homer Sampson said work starts tomorrow on his new hamster ranch. He believes it will take at least 120 employees to feed and train enough hamsters to meet demand.
One can see the relief on the faces of Premier Dalton McGuinty and his sidekick, Brad Duguid. They have been facing a growing backlash against industrial wind turbines which are despoiling some of the most scenic areas of Ontario, and solar panels blanketing otherwise productive farmer’s fields.
“These nano-installations won’t bother anyone,” said Duguid, “and it’s good to have multiple sources of power.” When asked to justify this new program in light of the fact that hamster-power will add little to the grid, will still require backup generation from gas plants, and participating households will be guaranteed roughly 1,000 times the market rate for power, Duguid reminded us, “Families in Ontario need multiple sources of power, and families in Ontario like hamsters.”
“This multi-billion dollar project won’t cost the province a cent,” McGuinty reassured consumers, who are already stinging from the Health Care Levy, the $1 billion dollars that were sucked into the black vortex called eHealth, the 15% HST, and skyrocketing power bills, “I can’t believe no one thought of this before,” said McGuinty, “We simply dreamt up a multi-billion dollar program, slapped on a “green” label, promised “Jobs, jobs, and more jobs,” and added the cost to everyone’s power bill.”
“I can’t figure out my own power bill, and I’m a heck of a lot smarter than everybody else. Most people won’t even notice it. It’s like taking candy from a baby. And if people complain, I call them a NIMBY – NIMBY, NIMBY, NIBMY,” he said in a sing-song voice that would put Stephen Harper to shame.
Unfortunately, the new “Feed a Rodent Tariff” could pit neighbour against neighbour. It’s been so popular, only one house on every street will qualify for the FaRT incentive. It may be good business for qualifying households, but it’s anticipated the program will add hundreds of dollars to everyone’s power bill – annually.
Given the perverse economics of making consumers pay from $2 to $8 or more for $1 worth of power, Duguid was asked if it might be cheaper to pay wind, solar, and hamster energy developers to do something more useful, like planting trees instead of generating power, or digging a few holes and then filling them back in again instead of erecting wind turbines which destroy the landscape and endanger human health. All he would say was, “Families in Ontario need multiple sources of power, and families in Ontario like hamsters.”
When asked if he’d like a rather odoriferous hamster ranch in his own riding of Scarborough East, Duguid resolutely stayed on message and replied, “Ontario families need multiple sources of power and families in Ontario like hamsters.” Maybe he thinks all of that money the liberals are spending on communications consultants is starting to pay off.